Kelli Suchy – Domestic Open Adoption Coach

The past four years since I started my business Parenting by Adoption and my work as an Open Adoption Coach, I worked hard to learn all I could stuff into this mid life brain about the process of open adoption.  I worked with another adoption professional that had been pivotal in our adoption.  I read oodles of books and information online about open adoption.  And then of course I was living an open adoption since our daughter was born in 2004.

All the while trying to also be highly involved in my daughter’s school as a volunteer, run a home, run my nature photography business and deal with the very real issues that come up as a mid life pre-menopausal Mommy.

I love what I do as a coach – getting to be a part of a new family forming.  Helping guide people through the process of open adoption, assisting others to be able to avoid some of the pitfalls we encountered in the early days of our adoption journey.   I love the creative aspect of co-creating adoption profiles.  As a photographer, I am a very visual person and helping to create a profile that reflects the couple (or single person) looking to adopt is very satisfying.

Then once in awhile, like now, I am being called to take a breath, look at my coaching and make sure what I am doing is in alignment with my own personal beliefs and passions.  So while I am still very excited to help others and will jump in as a coach if approached, I have taken the past few months as a sabbatical of sorts.  Time to organize my space, working on revamping my website and working on brochures for myself.

Most importantly allowing myself to rest and recharge so when I go back out there in the world in a more present way, I am all in.  I was running on fumes much of 2011 and I started to feel it very deeply by years end.

So for me, sometimes to move forward and take my life and my coaching to the next level – taking time to be still and breathe is a necessary step.  I would welcome replies as to your thoughts on this subject.

Happy New Year!

Kelli

Filed under: Adoption Coaching, Domestic Open Adoption, General adoption information, Mid Life Parenting, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on January 24th, 2012 | 1 Comment »

The issue of Life/Work/Play balance takes up a lot of my time.  Actually many days I feel I think about it so much, I would be better off just jumping in to one of the three areas and not over analyze the whole balancing act.

In truth I know many of us struggle to find that equilibrium we seek in our days and our lives.   What I am coming to learn again and again is that in order to have more of any of the three areas of my life show up, I have to be willing to let go of something else in order for that to be.

A prime example is that despite myself going through a particularly challenging time lately dealing with some minor but necessary medical issues, I was still trying to “do it all” in the rest of my life.  This trend was NOT working out at all for me or for those around me.  The lesson in that is I am being called to work on my challenge of asking for help.   But I have finally accepted I cannot do what I want to do in life without calling upon my own personal “village” to help me.  Whether that be a listening ear, help with Ariel if I need to go do some self care or someone to bounce ideas off of.

I chose the Cat in the Hat image above mindfully; while playful it is a very constant theme for me – trying to keep all the different balls in the air.  I am learning there are times where I either need to toss one of them to another person in my life or maybe just put one of those things I am juggling down for awhile to address something more pressing.
This will be something I will be working on for a long, long time and welcome any comments you may have on how you keep your own balance in life, parenting, work etc.

Filed under: General adoption information on October 1st, 2011 | 2 Comments »

As a part of getting the word out to people about the work I do as an Adoption Coach, I have used various forms of social media.  I am currently on Twitter, Linked In and Facebook.  This is just for my adoption coaching work, I also have separate pages on Facebook for my personal friends and also one for my Nature Photography.

I have been in a place of deep thoughts about social media and how it fits in for me and what I do.  I am very confident in my strengths as an Adoption Coach and that confidence comes primarily from the real life, face to face time I get with clients.  To ask a question maybe they had not thought of and a whole great interactive dialogue goes from there.  From my willingness to not just get clients started on the journey of adoption but to be willing to with them and provide both professional expertise and emotional support.

There is this whole growing community of people online who use blogging on it’s own to produce income through ads placed, writing opportunities etc. I blog on my website for one reason and this is something I have much clarity on.  When potential clients come on here to learn about me and my services out – to hire me as their coach, they are going to engage in a process where they are asked to be vulnerable.

They are going to share with me their dreams of parenthood – something that has been elusive to them in other ways.  I am going to get to know very personal information about them.  From the start I want them to know I will both handle their vulnerability with much care and that I am willing to share my self personally with them as well.  That I am also an adoptive mom and went through a very long, bumpy road to motherhood gives me a perspective on their path that not all adoption professionals have.

So back to social media – I find I am wanting to take a step back and re-evaluate where and how I want to put my time and energy into it online.  Twitter can be so addicting to the ego – it is easy to get sucked into how many people are “following” you or tweeting with you regularly.  But honestly what does that have to do with my desire to help others be successful in their desire to adopt?

While I am the first to admit I have made some great connections/friendships while typing away little blurbs on Twitter, it has often come at the price of spending time with the people I love and cherish in my real life.  And after 8 months of “tweeting”, my clients continue to come to me as referrals or through my low tech marketing.  I do monthly free seminars and people can come and sit with me and talk.  I have yet to obtain a single client through Twitter and I feel the disconnect there for me is that the computer screen puts up a barrier between me and those I serve to help.

For those friends I have made online and some of whom I have made in real life connections, those will continue on.  If we have connected enough to communicate off the Twitter screen, they know many ways to reach me.

So for now,  I am taking some time to be quiet online, love those wonderful people I am blessed to share my life with and let this internal confusion about social media unfold organically.

Filed under: General adoption information on August 14th, 2011 | 4 Comments »

I am the very blessed Mommy to my now 7 year old daughter, a daughter we adopted at birth in an open adoption.  Summer has been a blur of activity with trying to work from home while caring for Ariel, manage some minor health issues for both of us and help my husband coordinate some construction about to take place on our home starting tomorrow.  Oh and a million other details that I just seem to do and not even pay notice to them.

I just turned 52 and pre-menopause has been creeping in,  bringing with her lower energy, sleep disturbances, the most annoying hot flashes that of course occur when I finally do get to sleep!  Let’s not forget about the mood shifts that are a pain in the neck for myself and all those around me.  According to a hormone panel I did last week, this PRE-menopause phase could also last for years -  pray my family and I survive.

All this to say I have a lot on my plate and it’s not easing up any time soon.  And there are many nights when I finally get done with the duties of the day and the commitment I made to do something for me has been pushed farther and farther down the TO DO list and all I want to do is crawl in bed and collapse.  Feeling “how did I get lost in all this doing?”

Then moments happen that give me pause and encourage me to keep going forward and also to know that I am making a difference in the world, or at least in our little part of the world where the three of us reside.

Last week was Ariel’s 7th birthday, I cannot believe how fast those years have gone.  We had a little birthday gathering at our home on the actual day (and another bigger bash over the weekend).  After the party here, the guests had left and we sat in the living room looking at the gifts and little piles of wrapping paper, paper plates and cake remnants strewn about.

As I was taking a moment to kick up my feet, Ariel asked her Dad and I if she could tell us something.  Of course we said “sure honey, what is it?”  She said “Mommy and Daddy it is very nice that people bought me presents.  But I want you two to know that I do not need any more presents from you.”  I smiled at her and said “but honey you never ask for things and we like to treat you on your birthday and holidays with little treats”.  She got a very serious look on her face and said “but Mommy, God has already given me everything I could ever want – I have you and Daddy and my heart is full.”

I just sat there and felt the warm tears trickle from the corners of my eyes.  This child, this blessed child who came to us through the love and selflessness of her birth mom.   Our daughter who many days teaches us as much or more about life as we teach her.   She reminded us that for her, her love “language” is all about spending time together.  Time spent doing simple things – gardening in the back yard, playing a board game (and frequently winning!), baking with Mommy, having an iced tea at Starbucks and chatting.

I have been thinking of that comment for a week now.  It is such a wonderful reminder of what I already believe spiritually, that our children need us, not “stuff” to be happy.  And it was a proud moment for Andy and I knowing we had done a good job of instilling values in her that she will bring forth in her life.

So amidst the craziness of life, may I slow down enough regularly to see how very grateful and blessed that I am.

Filed under: General adoption information, Mid Life Parenting, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on August 3rd, 2011 | 2 Comments »

My daughter’s 7th birthday is this Wednesday, July 27th.   Her birthday always brings forth a variety of feelings for me.  I am so very happy and grateful I get to be this wonderful little girl’s Mommy.  I am also keenly aware that on that day her birth Mom and birth father are probably thinking of that day seven years ago when the loving choice  was made that allowed Andy and I to be parents after so many years of heartache and unsuccessful IVF treatment.

Having an open adoption, we had the chance to get to know Ariel’s birth mom who for purposes of this blog will be referred to as T to protect her anonymity and privacy.  During those moments when she was carrying Ariel, I made a very deep spiritual connection with her and Andy and I grew to love and respect her deeply.  I feel so blessed that Ariel shares many of the traits T does – honesty, inner strength, joy and deep love for others.

Combine all that wonderfulness with my own spiritual nature and deep sense of compassion for others and you get where I am now, planning a party to celebrate Ariel’s birthday and many moments of quiet reflection thinking of her birth family.

And while that juxtaposition of emotions is not necessarily “easy”, I personally feel for me it is about being authentic.  Acknowledging that it is hard some days to know my happiness in being blessed with Ariel Faith came with the price that T had to make such a difficult and life changing sacrifice.

So this Wednesday when I am holding my very special girl and telling her I love her and Happy Birthday, I will be sending out a lot of love from my heart to the beautiful woman who made all my dreams come true 7 years ago.

Filed under: General adoption information on July 24th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

I have been in big denial about my age for a long time. Next month I will be turning 52 and my sweet girl will be turning 7.

Up until recently I did not really think about the age thing too much (unless some stranger brought it up with curiosity about whether I was Ariel’s Mom or Grandma!). One of my closest and dearest friends is 34 and we spend a lot of time together. Despite some outwards differences between us, I have actually aged despite my level of denial, the spirit of who I am, the youthful curiosity matches up well with hers and I never feel a generational gap.

Well my denial came to a grinding halt about 10 days ago with the arrival of my first non IVF related hot flash. It woke me up in the middle of the night. I remember waking up thinking “why did Andy wrap me up in a hot blanket?”. But no heated blanket, all that heat was coming from inside me. It was dreadful and arrived with a wave of panic as well. I took off my soaked tank top, cooled off and changed clothing. Took a walk downstairs to just kind of take in what had just happened.

This has been my first solid clue that yes indeed I am heading into menopause. Up until last year, my hormone levels were those of a 35 year old. Not actually a lot of help since I have always remained infertile. But I kept reminding myself that the hormones were helping my bones, heart and youthfulness.

I have found myself really thoughtful and pondering how I feel about this transition. I had purchased THE books on Menopause by such great woman’s health guru’s such as Christiane Northrup and Lonni Barbach but until now the books had collected dust on the shelf. As I started to read them I became aware that this process had been going on for months – the weight gain despite no changes to diet, the sleep problems increasing, the mood swings and irritability, cravings for foods increasing etc.

Since I already when through what I call “hormone hell” back in the early 90′s doing six unsuccessful IVF cycles, I am committed to making this transition as smooth as possible with some gentle natural hormone help, more Yoga/meditation and making sure I carve out time for myself. This past school year I burnt myself out with far too much volunteer work at Ariel’s school. The hands on work with kids – I love! But all the committees and politics of the school I need to take a step back on.

I can see that this transition, though not necessarily invited can be a rich and fruitful time for me. It is an opportunity for me to take stock of my life – celebrate all that I have accomplished. See what I would like to do with the second half of my life and form a plan to do it.

What I know for sure moving forward – time with those I love and having meaningful connections is more important to me than any accolades or successes I can achieve. I am enough as I am and want to focus on the people in my life.

Filed under: Domestic Open Adoption, Infertility, Mid Life Parenting, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on June 23rd, 2011 | 4 Comments »

I speak about open adoption when I meet with new clients or do a group presentation. Our family has an open adoption with our daughter’s first/bio family. It has varying degrees of contact – some we see face to face regularly and some we stay in touch via Facebook, email etc.

This open relationship has developed over the 7 years since Ariel’s birth mom was pregnant with Ariel. When we took our adoption preparation classes, Andy and I did not know how this would play out for us. But we were “open to being open” and that is what I always encourage my adoption coaching clients to do – see how the connection develops with you and the birth parents and go from there.

Open adoption is all about relationships and relationships develop over time and with trust and respect. I remember a wonderful letter from Ariel’s biological grandma after Ariel’s birth when I had let her know we had every intention of staying in touch. She replied she would love to and had no idea how that would show up but she was willing to let it unfold. It has turned out to be a loving and natural connection we share and treasure.

This attitude we all have has been such a blessing and mostly for Ariel. She always tells people what she loves about being adopted, that she has more people to love her.

I had one woman come to my free monthly adoption informational seminars last Fall. She was coming from a place of fear (I am not analyzing her, she told me this) and wanted the doors CLOSED with a birth family after the baby was placed. I ended up feeling very sad that she could not see the benefits of keeping contact with the birth family in whatever way is comfortable to all parties involved.

I am secure in knowing my daughter is bonded and connected to me in a deep and profound way and as someone who loves the people who are in my daughter’s first/bio family, I am very comfortable with having her spend time with her “extended/bio” family. As she is older, I would be happy to have her go spend time at her Great Grandma and Great Grandpa’s ranch with her Grandma during the Summer.

For me this goes back to a spiritual belief I hold dear to my heart that children are not ours to own, they are here for us to love, to guide and to teach. Whatever I might do for my girl, it will be because it is best for her and coming from a place of deep love and not fear.

I can tell you from a practical standpoint, it has been so great to have easy access to Ariel’s birth family – she has had a few health issues come up and I was able to easily email and ask if there was any others in her first family who had these issues.

It has helped me to fill in the blanks for Ariel as far as identity is concerned – her birth Mom has a beautiful angelic voice and so does my daughter. My daughter has always had this deep appreciation for nature and animals – that is both a nature and nurture trait.

Filed under: Adoption Coaching, Domestic Open Adoption, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on June 16th, 2011 | 7 Comments »

I have been deep in thought today about a subject that was a real thorn in my side in the past. That is being able to be comfortable when the future is full of unknowns. I used to feel the only way I could navigate my deep emotions was to cling to a belief I had to control things in my life to be happy.

While on a spiritual path that began 20 years ago, I have come to learn that walking around thinking I have control over most things is just an allusion. That has proven to be true in many areas of my life. And the gift I can see today is that when I can really let go – the universe has gifted me in so many ways.

This has shown up in many ways – one of the profound ways was in our journey to parenthood. Andy and I had gone through six unsuccessful IVF cycles with two pregnancy losses to show for 3 years of non stop treatment and heartache.

Moving forward into the adoption process, a whole new and unknown territory for us, we had no idea of what lay ahead for us. I spent the first year clinging to how I felt things should go and on some level, being stuck and just surviving and not truly present and living my life. One Sunday I arrived at church at my lowest point after waiting for an expectant Mom to select us to parent.

I got to church early, sat in my usual pew and released it all. I spoke aloud “I have no control, I am turning it all over to you God. I am right now letting go and trusting you have a plan for us”. After 6 years of waiting to become parents and doing everything humanly possible to make that happen, I took a long deep breath and knew I had done all I could do. I did not lose faith or hope and in fact in that moment those attributes strengthened within me.

Those who know me personally know that it was only two weeks later that we got “the call” the one that would forever change our lives. We had been chosen to parent a baby being carried by a beautiful woman who we would grow to love over the coming months in 2004 and for whom we continue to love for many reasons above and beyond the gift she gave us in Ariel.

I have learned that life will frequently throw me curve balls, things may go along smoothly for a while and then – smack, something happens to make me stop and give me a choice. Either to breathe and see what lessons are in store for me in this challenge or to see the challenge as the universe’s way of torturing me. I am choosing these days to see life as an opportunity to grow on a daily basis. I can even tap into my sense of humor in these moments and notice – ah ha, so it’s time to learn some new things about myself.

Going through many of the difficulties I had to get through in my life has shown me I am much stronger inside than I would have been if that strength had not been tested so often in my life.

As a parent your instinct is to want to protect your children from hurt and pain at all costs. But I know that for me being a really good parent is to teach my daughter emotional resiliency. To be able to walk through a painful experience and have her develop her own emotional muscles and strength. It would be disingenuous of me to tell Ariel that life will always be smooth and I will protect her from all painful experiences.

And back to the unknown, this reformed control freak who felt she could not relax unless she knew what was next, I have come to enjoy the surprises of life. To be more spontaneous and to know from a deep place that life will unfold in ways I could not have begun to have imagined if I were plotting it out myself.

Filed under: Infertility, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on June 13th, 2011 | 2 Comments »

As both an adoptive Mom and an Adoption Coach, I am always very interested to talk to all those who’s lives have been touched by adoption. Couples/singles looking to adopt, birth mothers and those who were adopted.

As an adoptive Mom to a 6-1/2 year old who we adopted in an open adoption, I have always been very forthcoming and honest with my daughter about where her life began. And in that honesty, she loves to hear all about her entry into this world. From being carried in her birth mother’s tummy to our rushed drive to the hospital when Ariel decided to arrive 3 days earlier than her scheduled c-section and also when her birth mom was visiting friends and family in a different town than the hospital we had all toured and filed the birth plans with.

Recently I have had some thought provoking and powerful discussions about the issue of identity where it applies to being adopted. We do maintain varying degrees of open communication with her maternal birth family (either online or with some in person visits) so it has been such a gift to see where Ariel gets certain characteristics – by nature or nurture.

As this open relationship has only grown deeper over the past 7 years, I cannot imagine it ever closing and for that I am grateful, for my daughter and for me as well. Her birth family have welcomed us into their lives with open hearts and a great deal of kindness and love.

I went into being an adoptive Mom with the intent of following a Kahlil Gibran poem that I love called On Children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

While I am deeply bonded and very much love my daughter, I have always been aware she is her own separate being. It is my job and joy to help her discover who she is aside from being my daughter. Already I know she sings like her birth mother – a voice angelic and pure. She has the curiosity about life and living creatures nurtured by her father and I. That she loves to talk – well that could be a little nature and a little nurture, Ariel’s birth mom and I both share the “gift of gab”.

There will come a day I am sure when Ariel will be curious to learn more about her birth family – she has six siblings she has yet to meet, three children on her birth mom’s side and three on her birth father’s side. While I have always left the door open for contact with Ariel’s birth mom, that contact is primarily through online contact right now.

I am very secure in my attachment with my daughter and I will always support and help her when the time is right to reach out and be able to learn more about this wonderful family that blessed us with this most special child. I know from a deep place in my heart that it is part of the very fabric that makes us human to wonder about “where did I come from”, “what is my first family like”.

Filed under: Domestic Open Adoption, General adoption information, Infertility, Mindfulness in Adoption, Parenting An Adopted Child on May 9th, 2011 | 5 Comments »

I had the wonderful opportunity of doing a radio show with Wendy Edwards of the Wendy Edwards Show back in Charlottesville, VA today. The topic of the show is paying it forward and we were talking about my passion for paying it forward in my adoption coaching work due to my deep gratitude for being blessed by adoption with our daughter Ariel Faith.

I have in the past five years talked about my journey to motherhood many times with clients, articles and other public speaking situations. There are times where it feels like a story I rattle off – the six IVF cycles, the two pregnancy losses, transition to adoption and on and on.

Today was different. Wendy has such a way of really tuning in to you, pausing when something moves her and digging a little deeper into the subject matter. I think I have learned to keep the story moving along when I speak with clients as I am focused on them and their journey and helping them.

Wendy touched me as she had an emotional reaction to my story. The focus was on me and my journey and what I have done with all that happened to me. While we were going through the six years of our journey to Ariel, many times people frequently did not know what to say to me when yet another cycle failed or we lost our two pregnancies. So I learned to survive emotionally by turning inwards and being quiet.

So to have Wendy acknowledge how hard it must have been to lose a pregnancy, any pregnancy but especially after all the hardships of an IVF cycle really impacted me. Made me wish I had her to talk to way back when but since I did not, made me feel good to have her ear now, today. It was a long and lonely road for those years of struggle and today was a reminder of that time. So while I do not plan to remain stuck in the past – today I am honoring it with a visit back. And in the coming days I will return to the now and look forward to the future with joy and gratitude.

Filed under: Infertility, Mid Life Parenting, Mindfulness in Adoption on April 22nd, 2011 | No Comments »