I have been asking the question Who Am I? for many years but more so in the past few years since turning 50.
I have come to the conclusion for me that how I might identify myself falls into three different categories for the most part. The first being the more obvious labels society and we put on ourselves.
For me this would be mother, adoptive mom, mid life mom, wife, daughter, sister, divorcee (yes in what seems like another life many years ago I was previously married), friend.
The next list would be things I do including being a Domestic Adoption Coach, photographer, school volunteer, writer, gourmet cook wannabe, truth seeker, spiritual student, gardener, YMCA regular, traveler, nature lover, music lover, dancer and the list goes on and on and gets added to daily, hourly.
Lastly would be the things that have happened to me in my life including survivor of infertility and pregnancy loss, survivor of other life’s painful lessons in childhood and beyond, daughter of divorced parents, a woman who lived through a drunk driver plowing into the back of my car, multiple knee surgery veteran etc.
But in the deepest part of my soul; do any of those descriptions, titles or events tell you (or me) who I really am?
I have studied mindfulness and spirituality for many years. I am a space in my life where I am taking that truth seeking to a deeper level.
If I am to be truly “in the moment”, then who I am changes with every breath I take and yes even in between the breaths.
I have also been pondering the wisdom of one of my spiritual mentors Byron Katie for a number of years. For me – one of my favorite Katie question is: “Who would you be without your story?”
So who would I be, now – in this moment if I were not attaching to the labels imposed on me by society (and self), not seeing myself as a compilation of the things I have done or the things that have happened to me?
For today, I will be honest and tell you I have many more questions than answers to that question. I am however learning to be more and more excited about the exploration of who I am, now – in this moment letting go of the past more and more and just being.
Today I heard something that really resonated with me and has stayed with me for hours. It is a philosophy/quote by a spiritual guru who goes by the name Mooji – “Intentions creates tension”.
Now this of course flies in the face of some of the whole belief that you can actually choose what you want to have in your life. You create an intention, maybe put it down in writing or create a vision board and then create actions to manifest this desired outcome.
What if instead we just show up to life and let it happen. Become a quiet observer moment by moment to the unfolding of our lives and in extension ourselves. So many things in my life now were much bigger, much better than anything I could have conjured up one day sitting at a desk creating “my intentions”.
If I am honest, I was never in control of anything in the first place. How things turned out for me in my life was this glorious tapestry of events. So if I wanted to erase all the “bad stuff” from my life – what if those threads in the tapestry were those that led me to the beauty, love and joy I am surrounded with now?
I am sitting with this idea for now.